it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
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she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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