1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize