every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
