I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
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I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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