I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.