i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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