If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
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I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
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Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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