Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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