Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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