Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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