Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
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Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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