I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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