can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
