I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
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I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
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This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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