You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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