I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
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There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
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There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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