textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
