My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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