My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
