So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
