Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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