Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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