you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
