I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
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Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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