In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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