When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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