Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
