1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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