a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
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I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
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I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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