if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Randomize
