standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
