"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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