So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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