You work out of a Hotel?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
