Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?