His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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