anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
