I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
