while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
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I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
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I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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