Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am