I'm an idiot
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️