I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.