dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her