I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I cannot find my penis.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
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Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
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I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with