let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
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But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.