She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich