You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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