Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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