why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
