Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
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the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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