Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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