at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.