We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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