I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
